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Sunday, May 5, 2019

Identity

Some of us just had to fight
For even being looked at right
 - "5 Dollars" by Christine and the Queens

I've been very fortunate in a lot of ways.

I've always found myself surrounded by people who judged me as I presented myself, and all the little secrets they learned along the way didn't cast them from my circles, but rather they merely fleshed out who I was as a human being.

I have been out and open about my sexuality to my family, friends, and, yes, even my coworkers, to the point where I can make jokes at work about "my type," and we laugh along together. Most of the times I say it, it's true; they're really not my type.

And I can be honest about who and what I'm attracted to. I can "come out" about just about everything, and the people surrounding me have been open and accepting, and, barring few exceptions, grateful to be let in to see more dimensions of me.

Even here.

A few months ago, I came to another rational discovery about myself, one I'd been mulling over for a few years, and it was published here with minimal fuss. I tried to be direct about it, about what I was doing, but either I worded something poorly, or people just weren't paying attention, or they didn't really care. Or maybe (and possibly more likely) it came as no surprise that I came to this realization, and I learned more about me from the experience than they did, having felt the discovery before I had enough evidence to put it into words.

I've never had to fight for my identity. Not for sexual identity; not for spiritual identity.

There's been some suffering along the way, but it was all internalized. (It's no great revelation that I am my own worst enemy.) Most of my self-discovery has been driven by introspection, and when I've come to terms with some new aspect of myself, I release it out into the world...

...and my world mostly just shrugs and keeps spinning.

I know I've been extraordinarily lucky, and to all of you who haven't, I can not express sufficient sorrow, anger, or empathy.

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