Monday, February 7, 2011

Maternal Resentment

For those who don't know me all that well, I'm still trapped in home of my parents. This is not through fault of mine, nor their's, but through my inability to find steady income, and through lacking friends and peers seeking to leave their own parents behind.

I hope I've already made it clear that I have difficulty making new connections with people, especially with locals--people in the close geographic vacinity of myself--and turning those connections into friends is still further from my immediate reach.

My parents, especially my mother, have admitted out loud (and I agree) that I need to get out of here and under my own steadfastmaking as soon as possible, though not at all throwing me out. And yet when I take steps to assert my independence, I find a growing resentment from my mother.

Now, I have no concern of her reading this, as she barely steps outside her few familiar websites, including her facebook page. Yes, I am aware that my postings do get sent on to my facebook page, but of which she has no access; I have seen to that. I warn you all who have parents and elder relatives (not counting siblings and generations younger than yourselves) to think carefully about what access they have to your postings. You may find that they, unlike my mother, have some sense of stealth in reading your updates, especially those they do not approve of. It is easy enough to access your security settings and ban them from many areas without actually blocking them from your account.

I have gone that far: banned, unfriended, and blocked her from my account, for abusing her access. She has very limited knowledge of the cultural fluctuations in internet-speak, and disregards that different acronyms stand for different things in different contexts and communities. My mother made the error of accosting me on one of my status updates that had nothing to do with her, and I replied "wtf?"

In my community of friends, that translates to "what the flip?" Her mind only acknowledges the more crude interpretation of "what the fuck" and attacked me on the standpoint of swearing at her, for which I did no such thing.

She has been developing a growing resentment of my assertment of independence, and yet continues to insist that I need to be more independent. Let me assure you that I am not entirely dependent of their support: I own my own car, and pay for all expenses involving it, including insurance; I pay my own health insurance; I pay rent. I have offered to pay more than I do and they have turned me down.

I am trying to wean myself off their support, and my mother is preaching that I need to leave as she holds me more and more tightly against her. One of us will break from the conflicting strain, and I fear it will be her.