Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Past Has Passed - Invest In The Future

Think back five years. How much do you remember? Did you lose any friends that years? Do you remember the details of the loss? If prompted, could you provide their birthday? How many times how you though of them in the past sixty months?

If you're like most people, the details remembered have tapered off quickly until they become few and far between, regardless how important they were to you, regardless how much of them helped to shape who you are today, regardless what tangible items you still have of theirs in your living space.

It’s been five years for me, and tomorrow would have been her twenty-first birthday. I dated her for some of the fifteenth year and most of her sixteenth, until she left this world. Some moments of these five years have been difficult, most in he early periods after the loss, and the remainder have been spread fewer and further between.

It was not an easy passing, with her friends splitting hairs on the causes of her death. I thought I had left those who had warred against me and scorned my feelings, insisting that I had been the cause. The few internet accounts that I had so many years ago blocked messages from them and never looked back.

Just this past week, two of them found me again, on a different website, under a different name.

Who do you think you are? Do you remember tomorrow? I hope you are happy with yourself.

Oh, if you only knew the joy I get from taunting people who try to spam me, who work themselves into a frenzy to make me suffer... if only you knew. The reference to tomorrow held no meaning for me, but there’s a chance they’ve heard about my studies in deja reve...

“Do I know you? You look familiar... maybe I saw you next week, which happens sometimes. Happy with myself? Maybe, if I can ever stop laughing inwardly enough to think about it.”

You should know me, you jerk. I was her best friend. Stop pretending to be clever.

Oh, but pretending and being clever are what I do best! Why should I forget my favorite aspects of my online personality at some snide request? No, I think I’d fare better if I turned it up a notch, and so I have. As for remembering... why remember negative things that happened so many years ago? I have enough difficulty remembering the good things I did last week. As for recognizing you, I barely recognize pictures of myself from five years ago! Only one lost face is burned into my memories forever, and you’re flattering yourself if you think it’s you.

“Sorry, you must have confused me with someone else. I have no idea you’re talking about.”

I don’t think so, Ace.

I hardly ever use that name anymore these days. It was this line that started me thinking, started me wondering, glancing back at the unflattering profile picture she has posted. It was just now that made everything click, but she didn’t deserve to know that; it would spoil the fun! Let the games continue!

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know anybody by that name. However, if you continue harassing me, I will report you.”

And report her I did, without waiting for another attack. The years have not been kind to me, and I have worked to hard to move past those events that have scarred me. The scars will never fade, nor the stories that made them, but I will only bring them back as I desire them, not at the insistence of another, regardless of their relationship with me.

Yeah, okay, you just pretend like you don’t know who I am. If that were true and you really weren’t him, you would have already have blocked me instead of trying to play games with me.

Okay, first of all, I think you have that backwards. If I was really him, I would have blocked you, and since the internet is full of people (and non-people) who are sick and twisted (like this person who has decided to harass me) and like to play games.

You killed Kit.

The dramatist in me would love to leave it at that and post a final rebuttal a day later, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be nice, so don't say I'm never nice.

I was not responsible for her death. She died from complications of her Type 1 Diabetes and her family absolved me of blame even before I absolved myself. Yes, I still think of her. I still have a picture of her on my wall and her birthday present to me that year on my bookshelf. It took me a long time to forgive myself, and some days, I still regret my choices. However, the past is done and it cannot be changed. Although she still holds a part of my heart, and part of me died with her, I'm still looking up when I can, when I feel myself winning as the world tries to pull me down.

I can still laugh. I can still smile. Though it hurts sometimes, I can still climb out of bed in the morning. I'm still living. I'm still living, more or less, and that's the important part. Every step forward is progress, and though I may stumble, trip, or fall, nothing can force me backward. I will fight tooth and nail and blood and sweat and tears if I ever manage to cry again. As easy as it is to be willing to die for someone, it is so much harder to live for them, but I am doing that very thing.

I'm still dividing by infinity and I won't let anyone stop me. Have a good Anti-Bullying Day (Canada).