Sunday, March 13, 2011

Antiphonal Reading #666

Despair is my private pain
Born from what I have failed to say,
failed to do, failed to overcome.
From Singing the Living Tradition.

I'm not good at speaking, talking, chatting, vocalizing. I have tried to perform off-the-cuff and I'm not good at it. My brain just doesn't work that way. When I talk, I have to make it up as I go along, immediately, and not have the opportunity to take things back, scrub them out of the air, revise my sentences.

Let me put it this way...

That phrase will be my downfall.

That phrase is how I scrub my past words from the air, because I know my message isn't getting across.

I try to carry paper wherever I go, but that isn't always enough. My actions, my body language, is too unscripted even if I was able to stop every conversation, write out my responses, and continue.

I try, but all too often, it's never good enough.

I try to try harder. I try harder. I despair.