Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Abuser and The Abused, Trapped In The Same Body

You're holding on this pain inside you
Can't seem to leave it all behind you

-"Secrets and Regrets" by Pillar

I mess up. Sometimes very badly. I'll get caught in "death spirals" where I just keep getting worse and worse; this usually affects my work like, and ruins my quality of work there too.

I've had points where these episodes have gotten so bad that my employer has to step, sit me down, and contemplate disciplinary action. Unfortunately, with the way my mind works, there's nothing they can really do to me: I will abuse myself for my mistakes far worse than they ever could.

Most of the people I have known make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes, but most of the people around me learn from their mistakes, and have the ability to laugh about them afterward.

I don't.

I punish myself endlessly for my mistakes. There's no relief. If I was two separate people, the abuser and the abused, legal action would be taken against the former. Because I'm just one person, and I can't seem to change no matter how hard I try, the only true relief is to drown myself in something.

Fortunately, I refuse to ingest drugs or alcohol. That leaves me with three things: my work, my social life, and sleep.

Small wonder I find myself addicted to computers, the internet, and sleep.