Sunday, July 17, 2011

Emotional Repertoire

Some days, I wake up feeling tall, as if tall were an emotion, not a height. Consequently, more often I feel short. I don't see myself as attractive, but once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye in a mirror or window reflection, and think he looks downright sexy.

I suppose it wouldn't be a stretch to say that many artists have a touch of synesthesia, even if it's not a full-fledged case. It's a concept we grow within ourselves to improve the way we capture the world around us.

I'm working on my second month living in my own place, and I've added two new emotions to my synesthetic repertoire. I call them "playing adult" and "being adult."

"Playing adult" feel like I'm just pretending, as if I'm not really going to make this work. For those who wanted to be writers when you were little: do you remember deciding to write a story, getting in a few sentences, and then filling the rest of the page with meaningless scribbles. I knew that there was more to a book than meaningless scribbles, but I couldn't figure out how to make them, and writing everything that was in my head felt like too much work (even no, I'm guilty of making things harder than they ought to be, and back then, I thought that was my problem). That's what "playing adult" feels like.

"Being adult" is the flip-side. I feel like this is where I ought to be, and I'm doing just fine and right and good and everything. I feel like I'm making do, despite living in a decent part of town but having an income barely above the poverty level. Fortunately, I don't have a lot of needs in terms of luxuries, and that helps keep my budget small enough to put a fair amount of money away.

Does the feeling of "playing adult" ever go away? When I get a house, start a family of my own, get a salaried job... does anybody out there still feel like they're still "just playing"?