Monday, November 14, 2011

My Reason For Me Is Me

I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

-"The Reason" by Hoobastank

anyone who has watched me this past year has seen plenty of lyrics come to the top of my page (and if you don't remember all the times, scroll down to my tags list and click "lyrics"), and for the most part, my following commentary stays pretty well with the theme of the song. This particular song is a little different.

I've had problems with my past relationships, which is largely why they're "past" relationships and not "current" relationships. I'm sure we all have. Yes, I recognize that many of the problems were my fault, personality quirks of my own that are far from healthy, but I don't always recognize that I have them. No, I never meant to do all those things to you, to all of you, my past relationships; for most of the things I've done, I am truly sorry. For the rest of them, you can hardly say that you didn't see it coming, or that you didn't have expect it, or that you didn't actually deserve it. Some of the things I've done are things I've been driven to do; that makes me no less at fault, but does place some blame on you, my past relationships.

After each one, I have found them to be reasons to change who I am, what kind of person I am, how I treat people around me. However, that change is not something that would suit the past relationships. I don't change for you, to give us another chance; I don't want another chance. I'm done with you, moving on, probably never even to be friends afterward. The change is for me.

As for the starting over new, it's starting over new without you. Part of the problem with me was you. You drove me to do things that destroyed us both, and yet I was the one who did them. That doesn't mean I should hold all the blame or fault by any means.

Yes, I'm sorry. No, I don't want any of you back, except for one, the one I can't have.