Sunday, February 19, 2012

Art Feature: Something White, Something Blue

I'd given all I had to you,
not your fault you put me through
all the pain and the war
that none of us sought before.

All I'd asked was you to be
serious, honest with me...
but now I've known hearts to break,
and it was my pain to take.
I did what I had to do.

I'd reached out far and caught your hand,
thought I'd found a second plan,
closed my eyes and there was you,
hoped and promised and loving too.

But our needs were far from met,
distance we could not forget,
so you slipped, so I fell,
and honestly you did tell...
For that much I meant to you.

I'd chosen you and to flirt,
give no love and get no hurt
we both made plans and both fell through
and I got back all I gave to you:
nothing broken, nothing bruised.

I'd given honesty alone to you,
nothing old and nothing new,
though I felt you want me back,
'til you took away those tracks.

You decided I was too kind,
you wanted mean, I wanted mind.
So you walked away from me
blaming what I wouldn't be,
but saying that it just was you.

I'd given little I had to you,
I jumped though neither flew,
crashed and burned, crashed and burned,
all that pain you put me through.

Then you came and met my past,
and still my plans don't last,
you fell in love and not with me...
did my fate have to be:
chasing, never catching you?

I'd chosen you and to flirt,
give no love and get no hurt
we both made plans and both fell through
and I got back all I gave to you:
nothing broken, nothing bruised.

I'd given most I'd had to you,
but for all you put me through,
far too little I had to take...
so mistakes I chose to make.

All I'd asked you to be
your friends accepting of me,
but now I've known no price to pay,
and now it's all gone away,...
I did what I had to do.

I'd made mistakes to be with you,
promises out the window flew,
hoping the difference would save my soul,
and here, at last, I DO feel whole.

All you've asked I could provide,
and all returned without the pride
that you feel for having me,
having, holding, loving me,
and nothing my past can undo.

I've given everything 'tween all and none,
and all lessons learned and done.
Every balance we might acheive:
get one chance before it leaves.

Sometimes I care more than not,
sometimes I'm just there to lick the pot,
despite no effort to make the dish...
I still sit here, and I still wish:

for something borrowed, something new,
someone for me who I'm for too.
"Something White, Something Blue," 14 March 2010
Available on deviantArt

This piece was written with the intention of chronicling my relationships in a strict format, not an easy task for me from either goal. It is also one of my longer pieces.

Unfortunately, like so many things, this poem is no longer accurate, so I have written up a revision, entitled "Something Broken and Abused."

Each "chapter" and each intermission focuses on one relationship, where the chapters describe more dedicated relationships and intermissions describe short-term flings. I tried my best to keep the form as constant as possible, to the extend of mentioning how much of myself I dedicated to the relationship and how much of my investment I lost. This breaks down somewhat in the second installment, due to my lack of involvement with a second person.

I've tried to invest different amounts in relationships, and every which way I find myself getting burned, hating myself as much--if not more--than I hate the other party. That said, I loved each and every chapter in their own time, and with the exception of the first, that loved faded.

It seems in too many ways in my life, chapter one spoiled all the others. It seemed to be the most perfect and most successful relationship, and yet still was the one that ended the most tragically. But details of that relationship are best left to their own post.