Sunday, February 10, 2019

On the Matter of Monogamy and Polyamory

Originally posted on and inspried by a Patchwork thread by @Stitchedgod
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Mirrored on
Mirrored on Patchwork
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I used to be monoamorous. It's how I was raised and how I believed for a long time that "life and love" was supposed to work.

I tried a polyamorous relationship in college, and it predictably didn't work out. Originally, I attributed it to not being suited to the lifestyle. In truth, it was a problem of trust; my two partners trusted each other and not me.

But a few years ago, as I'm struggling with meeting people, and struggling with finding someONE to fit me, I had an epiphany. I'm a complicated person, not just because I identify as both bisexual and switch; I'm a complicated person because I'm human. It would be an act of hubris to believe that there was a single person out there who filled all my needs (not even taking my wants into consideration).

Right now, I'm technically single. I have no partners that are defined as such, and to monoamorists, I appear to be a bachelor.

I do have some very close friends, and they fulfill some of my relationship needs: they give me a sense of belonging, a sense of community, they give me someone to empathize with and for, they empathize for me.

I suspect some people who might be aggressively monoamorous (like those who are aggressively homophobic), will dismiss my claim of friends satisfying relationship needs as "that's what friends are" and "doesn't count as polyamorous." If you are one such person, I respectfully disagree; you are welcome to your opinion, but you are not welcome to try to convert me. I don't define myself by the wishes and opinions of others; rather, I educate myself by the opinions of others, and fuel my introspection with that education.

I'm still looking for other people to satisfy more of them. In the meantime, I'm picking up the slack or going without those things entirely.