Sunday, July 28, 2019

Rambling with DFW

The interesting thing is why we're so desperate for this anesthetic against loneliness.
 - David Foster Wallace

I love my alone time. It gives me a singular opportunity to enter a meditative state that can't be achieved when I'm surrounded by people. My mind gapes open wide and I can see further than ever before.

It's a different state than the one I slip into when I'm around people, even when they're not intruding on my silence. The latter is more like squeezing my brain into a cookie cutter, like some people try to squeeze themselves into a religion. The former is like reminding myself how to discard the shackles that I wear to the point of Stockholm Syndrome.

And it's just aloneness from people. Animals are more than welcome; they seem to know, without any training, without any direction, how to flow from moment to moment without getting hung up on all the little intricacies of life that stick our minds like burrs. It's how their brains are wired; there's not much processing between input and output, just rudimentary cause and effect.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they're not capable of critical thought.

People are... different. And in often a bad way. People cling to things, stray things. It works out great for positive emotions, most of the time (sometimes positive emotions can turn into negative emotions, like love into obsession), but sometimes, sometimes you just need to let go.

(I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.)

I love my alone time. But I'm a complex person with complex needs. Sometimes, I wish it was easier to find a person for a singular interaction, a singular purpose, a singular moment, with no excess emotions or burrs.

Maybe then it would be easier to be alone, and not have to sometimes feel myself searching for a singular, momentary, anesthetic.