Sunday, December 29, 2019

Black and Blue

I wrote some years ago about physical affirmation. Back then, I claimed how I thrived on it. That is no less true today.

But I didn't realize how desperate I might get to receive it, what lengths I might take...

"I know a man who fills his emptiness
with strangers..."

A couple months ago, I found a cuddle party near me, and the fact that I'm mentioning it should say plenty about how it made me feel and whether I've gone again.

I had looked at cuddle parties before, but the last time, there hadn't been one near me. This time, I was much more fortunate.

"I know what they'd give for just one
loving embrace..."

I've attended twice now, and already paid for a third, coming in January. I could try one-on-one, but they're more expensive (yes, I'm paying money, but they're far less expensive than a visit to a shrink) and since I've found such completeness and contentment in a group, I'm not sure that a duo would do enough.

"Wipe it off your sleeve
Your superiority
Don't roll your eyes my sweet..."

It makes me feel better, and that's enough. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it. Especially if they're the sort of person who has found a life companion. I have some friends, but none closer. And what friends I have are unavailable for this emptiness, either geographically, or emotionally, or time-ly.

It's fine. We're friends for other reasons, and not being able to help me in this one dimension of need doesn't disqualify them from others.

"We're just the same
We all get desperate sometimes..."

I can see myself never committing to one single person.

I can see myself never finding one person who is worth that much to me.

I can see myself never marrying.

I can see some of you pitying me for it, or feeling doubtful, or even believing it might be something I deserve for some reason or another.

But I can also feel how much good this does for me and the people I'm meeting. And it's a positive enough influence that I don't care what anyone else thinks or feels or believes on the matter.

It does me a world of good, and that's enough.

"I know you'll find it hard
to accept it sometimes
We all feel black and we feel blue..."

All quotes in this post are lyrics from "Black & Blue" by Paloma Faith (official video)