Sunday, July 5, 2020

We're More Alike Than We're Different

I'm not going to pretend to know you. You're a (probably) random stranger browsing the internet looking to pass the next few moments quickly, seeking respite from your boredom and distraction your demons. But guess what... so am I.

You're tough to love when you don't love yourself...

I have good days and bad days. I have days that are good one way and bad two ways, or vice versa, and I have little doubt you do too. My mood could be up, my creativity running free and being epicly productive, but my body is dragging me down. Mix and match physical, mental, emotional, creative, productive.

...My less exciting features are packed inside my body, They're crammed into the balcony, they're jamming up the lobby...

I always wanted to be skinny. I will never be skinny. Blame it on the genes or the diet or the activity level or the enthusiasm (or lack thereof) and you get the body of someone who doesn't look fit but isn't afraid to throw his weight around. Someone who had some martial arts training in the past (though it's been more than a decade since he touched the mats let alone survived a class on them), who hopes his muscle memory still lives in case he gets into trouble.

I always skipped arm-day when I biked, and now I don't bike anymore because my body won't let me. Now I skip leg day and kayak. And that's not even talking about the tremors in my arms that are worst when I'm trying to use the computer or sew or do anything that requires some degree of precision... I'm so glad I can mostly brute force paddling.

...Those fires in your attic that rage without permission, Some days invade your living room or break out in the kitchen, They breeze right through the building, They just show up as they please...

I'm trying to be stoic, but it comes and goes. My gas mileage always improves when I pull it off, but with the reduced traffic load, I drive too efficiently and I can't make it to five gallons at the pump which is necessary to maintain my full discount on gas. Wow, stoicism is good for the environment but bad for the wallet, what?

I can't stop reliving the bad memories. Like losing Eddie or a hundred other terrible moments in my life when something that would probably be pretty innocuous for anyone else. But I can't help but imagine you've got ghosts of your own. Just as much as you sometimes dream about driving a car from the backseat, and you don't know where that comes from or why, or even why so many other people have the same strangely specific dream and none of us know why.

...And there's so much I've been silent on...

No, I'm not going to share the contents of those hauntings. If you want to get close enough to me, maybe I'll let you peek closer into my psyche, but you have to get close enough for me to trust you implicitly, and very few people ever get that close.

It's the level of trust where even if we have a falling out, you still will hold those shared moments in the vault of your own mind, and not let them out, and even if I betrayed your trust in everything else, you'll trust me enough to know I'll seek help if the hauntings get worse, get painful...

I'm not going to write them here, because writing about them is bad enough, they're already flickering through my mind like a badly cut movie reel where the scenes butt each other rudely out of the way, yet there's enough frames of each that you can piece them together into some nightmare collage in your mind. And I reread my own posts, so singling them out only makes them stronger.

...our missing pieces could be siblings, The rough nights ain't leaving, so why the hell should we?

...That the demon that we're fighting isn't the exact same, But if we're teaming up and carrying the weight together, We can miss a bit of back pain...

I'm not looking for something special, someone or somefolk. But I'm not opposed to something good coming up and surprising me.

I'm polyamorous not because I'm afraid of commitment, or because I lack control, or because I don't want to settle down. I can commit. I can control. I can settle down. But I don't have the audacity to believe there's one person who can be everything for me, or that I alone can be everything for one person.

I'm complicated. You're complicated. Even puzzle pieces nest with more than one other piece (unless you're a really boring two-piece puzzle (not saying that pairing up is boring, just that two-piece puzzles are boring (I used the puzzle imagery as a metaphor and then took the metaphor literally (yes, I'm quadruple-nesting parens)))), even corner pieces (I could make an argument on why I could be a corner piece, not through implied importance (corner pieces are only important during assembly) but this sentence has too many parens and asides already) connect with two other pieces.

You deserve love

"Welcome to the Family" by Watsky

I'm not looking for a perfect, complete fit in anyone. I'm looking for someone--somefolk--who can search for completeness with me, and I with them.