Sunday, March 14, 2021

I Don't Have The Patience For Fake Relationships Anymore (But I Used to)

Mature Content Warning
This post contains content that may not be suitable for everyone, including mild sexual references.

This past week, I've been catfished a few times.

I'm no stranger to the phenomenon. Hell, I "own" a subreddit that never got its feet off the ground designed for encouraging deliberate 'fishing to combat loneliness (and I've had the name for a couple years--it predates the pandemic).

When it happens out in the wild, it's never been successful. There's just too much wrong with how they speak or type, subtle red flags that set me off. Like contractions. Especially in people claiming to be from the US who don't use contractions, like, ever. Including this one, I've used six so far, and there are more to come.

And when I catch them, I call them out. Usually they're using the picture of an attractive woman, probably stolen from somebody's Instagram or pornographic photoshoot (I don't know, they usually block me before I can ask, which feels ironic, but I'm not entirely sure if it is). I ask for something simple and yet uncommon, like the same face but doing a vulcan salute.

They usually reply with a picture containing boobs. It's the same face (or a really good fake), but contains no vulcan salute.

At which point they call me some variation of crazy and stop answering my messages.

I just don't have the patience to draw them along as much as I used to. Used to have Veitch-levels of fun with it, if you know what I mean. (James Veitch is a comedian who replies to junk email.)

But it makes me curious.

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